My lovely friend Rachel remarked to me recently about how she was miffed by a friend of hers who said something without much thinking. We also chatted online today about people, and how it was so tough for her in the corporate world as she felt her soft personality was misaligned with her manager role.
Yesterday I blogged about the 'tough' century egg. today i thought about a coconut tree and how its 'softness' ie bending along with the wind and storm weathers it through the toughest weather, as compared to a stiff and 'strong' oak tree, and how its trunk would easily break in a bad storm.
I then had an inspiring conversation with Rachel about different levels of empathy, with regards to her friend who miffed her. According to Rogers' model,
Level 1 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "You feel anxious? what the hell for? you have a great life!" You are self centred in your own view and are not really listening to him.
Level 2 empathy: Friend say "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That sucks, but try to get out of it! Let's go shopping!" You try to make him feel better, but are still stuck in your own interpretation.
Level 3 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard. Tell me more about it." You are doing the most basic active listening and trying to take his view.
Level 4 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard, especially when you've got to work. I wonder if it is related to the fight you had with Jane this morning?" You not only start to take his view, but also inject your own analysis of the situation which he may not be aware of.
Level 5 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be so hard when you've got to work too. But you know, I have seen you being very resilient in the past, and I know it is hard now but i believe in you. What do you say we sit down and brainstorm about some things that can help you?" You actually start to INSPIRE him to help himself.
Now we all need to really walk in the other person's shoes, like the Level 5 empathy shown below.
Yesterday I blogged about the 'tough' century egg. today i thought about a coconut tree and how its 'softness' ie bending along with the wind and storm weathers it through the toughest weather, as compared to a stiff and 'strong' oak tree, and how its trunk would easily break in a bad storm.
I then had an inspiring conversation with Rachel about different levels of empathy, with regards to her friend who miffed her. According to Rogers' model,
Level 1 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "You feel anxious? what the hell for? you have a great life!" You are self centred in your own view and are not really listening to him.
Level 2 empathy: Friend say "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That sucks, but try to get out of it! Let's go shopping!" You try to make him feel better, but are still stuck in your own interpretation.
Level 3 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard. Tell me more about it." You are doing the most basic active listening and trying to take his view.
Level 4 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard, especially when you've got to work. I wonder if it is related to the fight you had with Jane this morning?" You not only start to take his view, but also inject your own analysis of the situation which he may not be aware of.
Level 5 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be so hard when you've got to work too. But you know, I have seen you being very resilient in the past, and I know it is hard now but i believe in you. What do you say we sit down and brainstorm about some things that can help you?" You actually start to INSPIRE him to help himself.
Now we all need to really walk in the other person's shoes, like the Level 5 empathy shown below.
Click here for more information on great radical (i think) psychologist Carl Rogers. He even supports my idea on the coconut tree! wow!Which led me to think, often people think that being strong means being set/sure in your opinions, and not showing your emotions. Rachel's friend had miffed her by using Level 1 empathy, imposing her own views on her problems, instead of really listening. And i wonder how many managers out there are like this, thinking if they 'soften', they are being vulnerable to their subordinates and thus will not earn respect.
Then I thought of the most powerful and great people we have known - people like Jesus, Buddha, and all the great saints (incidentally i did not think of the President of the United States!). And i realised that the greatest strength, the greatest leadership, is portrayed by people who are gentle and soft, and who are not afraid to admit their own vulnerability. in other words, a person who is stuck to their own opinions, indicates they are not confident enough to admit their mistakes. which means it is a false sense of strength, much like the dictators of our time.
Their own weaknesses are hard for some people to admit, but this is exactly the point. Seems to be so obvious, yet it remains elusive to most people! We all think of a strong oak tree when told to think of a sturdy tree, but in actual fact, the coconut tree is much stronger. I think our society needs a paradigm shift in terms of what we actually mean when we tell people "Be Strong!"
I will finish with the part of the lyrics from a song i am listening to now on the radio. It reminds me of how we tend to perceive a 'weak, crying, vulnerable person' and how we really should be perceiving him!
"Some people think I'm bonkers, But I think I am free!
Some people think I'm bonkers, But I think I am free!"
~heard on triple J radio hottest 100 this fine Australia Day of 2010~
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