Ever had a pimple on your face? It is one of life's metaphors again, but most of us miss this in our perplexed search leafing through beauty magazines trying to look for the perfect pimple cream.
Oh by the way, i realised that dabbing cream does not work, with the variety that these little buggers come in... which kinda summarises the main point of this blog, as you will see.
Next question: Ever had a problem in your life?
If your answer was yes to both of them, then I want you to wonder what they have in common. and no it is not that they both start with the letter P you simpleton! (ps if you really are a simpleton, or if someone has remarked that about you, you really shouldnt be reading this blog. this blog is for the elite sophisticato, but if you are a simpleton, let me recommend you to read my other blog for simple-minded fashionistas)
http://www.bejewelledlikeme.blogspot.com
Ok, a pimple and a problem are alike because... (IQ question no. 56)
A: the more you focus on each, the worse they will become! Bingo. Pop!
I learnt the lesson about the former in my adolescence, when pimples were the fare of the day. squeeze squeeze squuuuueeeeeeeze. there - bang! it became bigger and redder the next day.
A problem - now it gets a bit philosophical from here... the more you focus on it, the more it doesn't go away. But again, like with the worry/amulet example, we somehow magically think that if we concentrate on what's WRONG, things will get better.
I have many competitive and anxious mothers come up to me in clinic and complain, "My son only plays computer games the whole day, and doesn't want to study".
What's wrong here? (and the answer is not that i asked 'what's wrong?') The answer is that she only saw what was 'bad' about her child. Now let's posit that further and think what a mother like that is likely to behave like?
1. nag
2. be unhappy
3. criticise
4. more nag
5. etc etc etc
In the long term, no prizes for guessing what level the child's motivation, self esteem, confidence, attention levels, etc will be at. And how will that impact on the child's ability to study in the end? Bingo again.
These are the options in your child's life if you are this kind of parent.
I tell her, "Congratulations! Your child plays computer games so well!" This is where it gets hard for her because it involves a paradigm shift (see my blog title description). Yank yourself out of that negative state of mind and start catching him being good instead of bad! I sometimes think the best things in life for us is so straighforward and intuitive (eg if you focus on good, you will be good) but it is not that way it seems. People, for some twisted reason, seem to think that if you focus on the bad, the bad will go away! or put another way, if you focus too much on the good, things will be bad.
Instead of prozac, I highly recommend these great 'Happy Pills' for your kid now! they work!
Third question: How is a pimple and a problem the same as poo?
A: The more you try to get rid of the poo (on your shoe), the more embedded in your shoe it gets and eventually you break your shoe.
This is actually a true story! A good friend of mine and her husband were taking a stroll and both stepped on dog poo. She was obsessed about getting it off, it irked her so. Her husband just continued strolling. By the end of the walk, the poo was gone from her husband's shoe but her heels were totally gone from all that rubbing and walking and eventually she had to toss them out. Btw, my friend has OCD, which of course adds to the mental factor of this story (you should see the amount of tissue papers she uses up at meal times, just like the racoons in this picture.)
I think this story speaks for itself. So the remedy? It is not so much as to NOT problem solve, but the idea here is to ACCEPT that you have a problem and then go about doing what is necessary. There is a distinct difference between the two. Acceptance of something takes away the point of impact, which is what hurts when we resist. Think of tai-ji-sparring someone and punching someone real hard. which one hurts your hand? like pimples, many girls i know swear that the best way to heal it is to leave it alone, not dabbing cream. in the case of the mother, her complaining meant that she had not accepted it, which further led her to bad mother behaviour like criticising, emotional blackmail and negative feedback. had she accepted it, though, there would be no 'pain' of knowing that her child does not study well, and she is in a better position to encourage his other good points. In other words, all in all, it is always the mother's fault. hahahaha kidding kidding... (phew that was close)
So, let us all realise this now. focussing on something to make it go away doesnt work. instead, just accept it and go about doing what is necessary.
Oh by the way, i realised that dabbing cream does not work, with the variety that these little buggers come in... which kinda summarises the main point of this blog, as you will see.Next question: Ever had a problem in your life?
If your answer was yes to both of them, then I want you to wonder what they have in common. and no it is not that they both start with the letter P you simpleton! (ps if you really are a simpleton, or if someone has remarked that about you, you really shouldnt be reading this blog. this blog is for the elite sophisticato, but if you are a simpleton, let me recommend you to read my other blog for simple-minded fashionistas)
http://www.bejewelledlikeme.blogspot.com
Ok, a pimple and a problem are alike because... (IQ question no. 56)
A: the more you focus on each, the worse they will become! Bingo. Pop!
I learnt the lesson about the former in my adolescence, when pimples were the fare of the day. squeeze squeeze squuuuueeeeeeeze. there - bang! it became bigger and redder the next day.
A problem - now it gets a bit philosophical from here... the more you focus on it, the more it doesn't go away. But again, like with the worry/amulet example, we somehow magically think that if we concentrate on what's WRONG, things will get better.
I have many competitive and anxious mothers come up to me in clinic and complain, "My son only plays computer games the whole day, and doesn't want to study".
What's wrong here? (and the answer is not that i asked 'what's wrong?') The answer is that she only saw what was 'bad' about her child. Now let's posit that further and think what a mother like that is likely to behave like?
1. nag
2. be unhappy
3. criticise
4. more nag
5. etc etc etc
In the long term, no prizes for guessing what level the child's motivation, self esteem, confidence, attention levels, etc will be at. And how will that impact on the child's ability to study in the end? Bingo again.
These are the options in your child's life if you are this kind of parent.
I tell her, "Congratulations! Your child plays computer games so well!" This is where it gets hard for her because it involves a paradigm shift (see my blog title description). Yank yourself out of that negative state of mind and start catching him being good instead of bad! I sometimes think the best things in life for us is so straighforward and intuitive (eg if you focus on good, you will be good) but it is not that way it seems. People, for some twisted reason, seem to think that if you focus on the bad, the bad will go away! or put another way, if you focus too much on the good, things will be bad.
Instead of prozac, I highly recommend these great 'Happy Pills' for your kid now! they work!Third question: How is a pimple and a problem the same as poo?
A: The more you try to get rid of the poo (on your shoe), the more embedded in your shoe it gets and eventually you break your shoe.
This is actually a true story! A good friend of mine and her husband were taking a stroll and both stepped on dog poo. She was obsessed about getting it off, it irked her so. Her husband just continued strolling. By the end of the walk, the poo was gone from her husband's shoe but her heels were totally gone from all that rubbing and walking and eventually she had to toss them out. Btw, my friend has OCD, which of course adds to the mental factor of this story (you should see the amount of tissue papers she uses up at meal times, just like the racoons in this picture.)
I think this story speaks for itself. So the remedy? It is not so much as to NOT problem solve, but the idea here is to ACCEPT that you have a problem and then go about doing what is necessary. There is a distinct difference between the two. Acceptance of something takes away the point of impact, which is what hurts when we resist. Think of tai-ji-sparring someone and punching someone real hard. which one hurts your hand? like pimples, many girls i know swear that the best way to heal it is to leave it alone, not dabbing cream. in the case of the mother, her complaining meant that she had not accepted it, which further led her to bad mother behaviour like criticising, emotional blackmail and negative feedback. had she accepted it, though, there would be no 'pain' of knowing that her child does not study well, and she is in a better position to encourage his other good points. In other words, all in all, it is always the mother's fault. hahahaha kidding kidding... (phew that was close)
So, let us all realise this now. focussing on something to make it go away doesnt work. instead, just accept it and go about doing what is necessary.
No comments:
Post a Comment