My Unconditional Love

My lovely silkworm friend Rachel(as i call her fondly) made a special request for me to blog about love today. Not ANY love, nooo not any old love. Unconditional love!

*falling off chair, stumped by the magnitude of this topic*

ok, i'll try... here goes. *wink wink*

When we were all students staying in the student hostel back in 1993, lovely rachel was pursued by this boy we nicknamed 'Egg Guy'. Rachel reminded me during our online chat today that he was given this special name cos he borrowed an egg from us in the kitchen one day (and b****y did not return it dammit!!!)

But... unconditional love.... as we know it in everyday life, mainly pertains to the love a parent has for his/her child. So i thought about Egg Guy, and how maybe he is happily married by now with happy little egg children!

goosebumps yet, rachel? :P

Jokes aside, hmmm. In counselling there is a concept that shrinks need to follow called 'unconditional positive regard'. Basically, it means not imposing your own personal values onto your client, even though he may be a mass murderer! rachel and i agreed that this kind of positive regard is similar to the unconditional love a parent has for his/her child.

That got me to think about other kinds of love. ah.... lovelorn me! but again, that aside, I got to thinking about what i described to Rachel as God-given values and human values. the relationship this has to love? Rachel and i agreed that, regardless of one's faith, in a man/woman relationship, a God-given (or universal, if you like) value is that the man, because he is made physically stronger, is meant to protect the woman. and the woman, because the universe/God made her softer and more in touch with her emotions, is meant to be in a supporting/submissive role to the man, substituting her emotional strength what she does not have in physical strength. What about human made values then? well one could say they include all the other rubbish that unreasonable couples expect of each other in order to have a 'happy relationship.' like, for eg, the man must make good money, the woman must wear Chanel, the kids must go to selective schools and become doctors and lawyers, etc etc etc.

But what ABOUT unconditional love then? my interpretation of that is that we owe ourselves the God/universe-given value of loving ourselves unconditionally. simple and sweet. if our interactions with others are a reflection of what we truly are and truly feel (which indeed it is), then for us to show others unconditional love would mean that we need to reflect our own unconditional love to ourselves. to me, without one, the other cannot manifest. trust me, i have seen one too many self-loathing parent who hates their life who proclaim that they 'love' their child and push them to do all sorts of crazy feats like... becoming a doctor or a lawyer. it is sort of like, erm... without the egg, there will be no chicken, and vice versa.

I ended our conversation by teasing lovely silkworm rachel about the bouquet of flowers which the infatuated Egg Guy gave her once. From memory, it had given her major goose bumps, and it did again when i brought it up after more than 15 years!

My teaseful suggestion to rachel prompted her to say goodbye and log off from the chat... because she had said that she hated those flowers, and that she thinks guys who give flowers to girls are so cliched anyway, i suggested that what if... guys giving girls flowers is also a God-given value? because, face it, most girls swoon for flowers? which would mean that she was not in tune with God-values???

*Rachel is now offline*

Adieu my God-given blog fans!!!

"An egg in a second, goosebumps for a lifetime"

~emo-me~

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A Matter of Spock

Today, i was surfing around being my usual voyeur self on facebook, when i came across this coolzzz picture! and i thought to myself, now surely that is a sign that i must blog today? and blog about the brain and the mind? and sound like i am totally in touch with all that brain/mindovermatter/etc etc etc debate that is going on? (i THINK there is some debate going on on this topic, there almost always is some clever observation to make about our brain, no? cos then it shows that the observer's brain is indeed smart and clever - a win-win!)

anyway, here is the picture!

it shows, as you can tell, a strong brain doing strength training!


what makes a strong brain? hmmm maybe i will leave that question to the neuropsychologists, and rephrase that to: "What makes a strong mind?"

i saw someone today whom i think was very strong. but yet, she was oh so weak. in the midst of her upbeat, unaware cheer in spite of her terrible life experiences, i sensed that this aura of cheer she exuded came from being, i am sorry to say, a little bit naive about life. she did not truly see the severity of the injustices that had been done to her, by her husband, by the law enforcers who wrongly accused her, by her scheming lawyers and by the govt authorities who failed to protect her. and there i was, crying silently for her in my heart all the time i was nodding and acknowledging her story.


Did i know too much? or did she know too little? is simple minded good or is ruminating a positive thing? is my writing starting to sound a tad like carrie bradshaw's clever lines? i think my point is this: there IS no point. no point in trying to 'get the better of'. or in thinking 'what if?' she, my client, in all her naivete, is no better or no worse. in other words, she couldn't ever be anything other than herself. which means, when applied to our own situation, whatever we do, whatever happens to us, whatEVER choice we make or dont make, it is ALWAYS meant to be, it is always 'right'. WE are the writers of our own life-books, and WE feature in them. we do not want to be featured in someone else's story, our roles and scripts cast by them.


a friend of mine told me recently that everything can eventually be traced back to patterns in nature. what i mentioned above is sort of like a young seedling, starting to sprout its leaves, stems, tendrils and roots. there are a kazillion million different ways these can sprout, but eventually the plant chooses only one. and whatever it chooses eventually, THAT makes the plant. that determines how much sunlight it gets, how able it is to reach water, and how vulnerable it is to grazing animals.

I will sign off now with a picture of Mr Spock from Star Trek. Simply because...
a) i just heard him mentioned on my faithful radio

b) and Mr Spock is a nice symbol of how when one is rigid and pre-emptive of things in life like him, and decides what IS right and what IS wrong, then eventually one's heart gets broken...


Pic of Mr Spock taking his chances in life...

"I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's." ~Spock in 'This Side of Paradise'~




Ta to all!!!

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makeup, dress ups, yoga, and meditation

Hi Friends!

This is a glimpse into my train of thought the past 10 mins as i sat there trying to think of what to blog about today:

clever point no 1 --> analysis no 1 --> follow-on thought --> further padding of follow-on thought --> (frustration starting to creep in as i began to realise it was all very 'staged') --> thought of Sascha Baron Cohen and his staged humour in Bruno --> eyes wandered to the open FB page in front of me --> decided to update status that i am having zero inspiration --> abandoned idea of blogging tonite --> looked at people's posts --> funny! --> played internet voyeur for a bit --> more funny bits --> saw my update again --> INSPIRATION CAME!!!

now i am rocking and waving my arms in the air to the friday nite music celebrating the rebirth of freedom, acceptance, relaxation, non-trying and just-being :)))

my client yesterday had an insomnia problem. of course the more she tried to sleep, the more she was awake. then she berated herself for not sleeping, upping her level of stress hormones, again less likely to sleep.

Now if only she could lobotomise me and look at my thought associations just mentioned. hehe, but lobotomy is so passe and we all know it only works when people can promise that they wont get depressed from managing the pain after getting cut up, otherwise it is a lost cause.

now makeup and playing dress ups. we've all heard of 'effortless chic' and looking nice without looking like you had spent a lot of time on dressing up. And how when women wear makeup they strive to look like they are actually NOT wearing makeup :) 'Being' without trying (but in my case re makeup, hehehe well that will be another post :D)

in meditation, as i understand it, the more you try to clear your mind, the more thoughts come flooding in.

This pose below in yoga is called the Non-trying pose. note that it is quite difficult, and you need help from a more experienced person ;)

Similarly, with my striving for inspiration just now, i didnt get it, and it only came when i did other things and became relaxed.

what am i rambling on about? i think the word i am thinking of is 'by-product'... happiness, love, money and many other things in life come when you dont look for it, when you dont strive for it. like you can't actively LOOK for money but if you do your job properly it is the result/by-product at the end of the month when your salary comes. these things, they pop up when you go about doing the daily necessities, living and enjoying your life in spite of, and simply relaxing and accepting your life.

Thus, I think my slogan for the day will be:

-------->"Why try, when you can simply get by?!"<--------

and to prove my point that I am not trying too hard here, i will simply insert a random doraemon video here for your viewing pleasure :)


Cheers and happy Friday nite everyone!!!

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the strongest man

My lovely friend Rachel remarked to me recently about how she was miffed by a friend of hers who said something without much thinking. We also chatted online today about people, and how it was so tough for her in the corporate world as she felt her soft personality was misaligned with her manager role.

Yesterday I blogged about the 'tough' century egg. today i thought about a coconut tree and how its 'softness' ie bending along with the wind and storm weathers it through the toughest weather, as compared to a stiff and 'strong' oak tree, and how its trunk would easily break in a bad storm.

I then had an inspiring conversation with Rachel about different levels of empathy, with regards to her friend who miffed her. According to Rogers' model,

Level 1 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "You feel anxious? what the hell for? you have a great life!" You are self centred in your own view and are not really listening to him.

Level 2 empathy: Friend say "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That sucks, but try to get out of it! Let's go shopping!" You try to make him feel better, but are still stuck in your own interpretation.

Level 3 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard. Tell me more about it." You are doing the most basic active listening and trying to take his view.

Level 4 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be hard, especially when you've got to work. I wonder if it is related to the fight you had with Jane this morning?" You not only start to take his view, but also inject your own analysis of the situation which he may not be aware of.

Level 5 empathy: Friend says "I feel anxious" Your reply "Oh you feel anxious? That must be so hard when you've got to work too. But you know, I have seen you being very resilient in the past, and I know it is hard now but i believe in you. What do you say we sit down and brainstorm about some things that can help you?" You actually start to INSPIRE him to help himself.

Now we all need to really walk in the other person's shoes, like the Level 5 empathy shown below.

Click here for more information on great radical (i think) psychologist Carl Rogers. He even supports my idea on the coconut tree! wow!

Which led me to think, often people think that being strong means being set/sure in your opinions, and not showing your emotions. Rachel's friend had miffed her by using Level 1 empathy, imposing her own views on her problems, instead of really listening. And i wonder how many managers out there are like this, thinking if they 'soften', they are being vulnerable to their subordinates and thus will not earn respect.

Then I thought of the most powerful and great people we have known - people like Jesus, Buddha, and all the great saints (incidentally i did not think of the President of the United States!). And i realised that the greatest strength, the greatest leadership, is portrayed by people who are gentle and soft, and who are not afraid to admit their own vulnerability. in other words, a person who is stuck to their own opinions, indicates they are not confident enough to admit their mistakes. which means it is a false sense of strength, much like the dictators of our time.

Their own weaknesses are hard for some people to admit, but this is exactly the point. Seems to be so obvious, yet it remains elusive to most people! We all think of a strong oak tree when told to think of a sturdy tree, but in actual fact, the coconut tree is much stronger. I think our society needs a paradigm shift in terms of what we actually mean when we tell people "Be Strong!"

I will finish with the part of the lyrics from a song i am listening to now on the radio. It reminds me of how we tend to perceive a 'weak, crying, vulnerable person' and how we really should be perceiving him!

"Some people think I'm bonkers, But I think I am free!
Some people think I'm bonkers, But I think I am free!"
~heard on triple J radio hottest 100 this fine Australia Day of 2010~

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Burger Time!

I love this arcade game called Space Invaders. it is quite a classic, and i am sure many of you out there know about it. Now for many years of my life, because i am quite a visual person and think in pictures, i have pictured myself to be somewhat like that lone spaceship at the bottom of the screen, quite literally exposed and vulnerable to an attack at any time by the invaders advancing from above. I felt like there was nothing i could do to control it, and life was one big fight, trying to fend off invaders, and you never really know when they would attack.

I have come a long way from there, but recently, i came across a client who had suffered a series of 'attacks' after another throughout her life. the way she fought back brought into my mind the image of a century egg. Now a century egg is a kind of chinese food delicacy, which in its raw form, is a duck egg which has an ugly straw encrusted layer of mud covering its shell. inside though, is the most exquisite, tender and, interestingly, black coloured (from a fermenting process) egg flesh. this client tried to appear 'tough' to her perpetrators, by purposely doing 'tough' things. but as we all know, that off-putting tough exterior of the egg is nothing but a brittle and weak shell, that actually covers the real exquisite egg inside. so she was actually making it even more obvious that she was brittle and weak by putting up a tough muddy crust, try as she did to achieve otherwise.

another funny game i found at the arcade is hilarious - it is called Burger Time, where this little chef person runs around trying to stack meat patties and cheese and tomato in order to make a hamburger. but whenever the chef gets threatened by the giant evil sausages, he can thwart them by throwing a dash of pepper at them! This is that funny game i played! (note the twisted evil sausages...ooooh)

I liken this tactic to what the lone spaceship in space invaders does when he gets a special point and becomes temporarily invincible against the attacks. reseach has shown that people who tend to think that a negative event is specific, non permanent and externalise it are happier people. that is, if your boss criticises you, it is better to think that he is only angry at you for that specific problem, he will not always criticise you, and that the problem is caused by a host of other extenuating factors other than yourself. it is a bit like throwing pepper at sausages or having an invincible layer to protect yourself.

The century egg client saw my point. She agreed to let go of her put-on toughness, and just shine and show others the exquisite 'delicacy' that she is. Thus she is accepting her own frailties, opening to others, and experiencing life instead of fighting it.

And what a beautiful thing that is, quite like the lovely century egg in the image below (you can tell that this is a favourite food of mine!)


For those of you out there who are still that lone spaceship, I share your loneliness and fear, but if you want to escape from evil sausages, have a think about letting go of your brittle fragile crust.

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses" ~C. G. Jung~

"Century eggs are best eaten with a dip of fresh red chilli sauce"~unknown food connoisseur~

You may find a recipe for making your own century eggs here :P

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Angels amongst us

A phone conversation with my cousin from Malaysia, Lambi (not her real name!) sparked the idea for today's post. Lambi is a virtuous gem of a girl, and i salute her dedication to helping the underpriviledged community. thinking of people who do good led me to think of one of my boss/good friend's metaphors for a phenomenon called, in her words, "Angel Addiction".

Most of us have been afflicted before at some stage by Angel Addiction. When I was 12, my favourite story (and it still is) is called A Little Princess. Some of you may have heard of it. One of the parts of this story that i constantly re-read was when Sarah, the main character, in her most wretched state, cold, starving, miserable and abused, found a dollar in the gutter and after asking around for its owner, was offered 6 warm buns for it by the baker to eat. However, she passed by a beggar girl who was even more wretched than her, and in all her kind angelness, she decided to give one, then two, then three four and finally all five of her buns to her, leaving only one for herself.

I will not comment on the appropriateness of her 'virtue', if virtue can ever be inappropriate in the first place. However, Angel Addiction is when one is addicted to the idea of, in my opinion, how OTHERS view at and admire their long sufferingness and lack-of-self-care-in-lieu-of-othersness, and this drives them forward to continue their virtuous acts. in fact, many of us act for charity with a little bit of this addiction driving us. many long suffering mothers also unconsciously subscribe to Angel Addiction. i find it hard to admit, but sometimes, if not most times, i do good, unconsciously EXPECTING some kind of admiration from others. after all, i was Sarah's No. 1 fan, and still am :P Needless to say, some forms of addiction are actually positive!

However, addicted or not, I am learning to take better care of myself. Like a tree, sometimes she nurtures her leaves, and keeps them close by, on her branches. But when winter comes, and she herself needs some TLC, she very wisely lets go of her leaves, and builds her strength up in winter. When spring comes, she is fully able and strong to protect, grow and nurture her leaves again, even bearing fruit! Nature is great telling us these stories eh?

Without an emotionally solid, stable mother, chidren grow up psychologically unstable. If we view the people we help as our wards or children, we need to also be solid and stable ourselves first, especially if one works in a caring/helping profession. No pressure, though, and by no pressure that means if we falter, we have to be like the tree in winter, and accept our own frailties and protect ourselves first.

Lambi, this blog is dedicated to all the good work you do, and also to YOU! Boy am I glad that the same white angel blood runs in both of us! Sarah's joys knows no bounds ;) Go have a cone and celebrate, Christie!

With love from your addicted cousin :)))

A sleeping baby Ganesh... taking care of himself! I love!

You may like to read a related topic on taking care of yourself here

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Fruit loops

I think i redefined the term fruit loop today. My friend Celia asked me today what shrinks like us tend to write in our 'notes'... I had many impulsive (and not very politically correct) replies that came into my head, but of course i refrained. back to that later though...

Later in the day, I came across a client who described a significant person in his life who asked him to remove all the loose nails on the outer walls of their house... now what loose nails were doing hanging randomly off their wall in the first place, I dont know, but the word 'paranoid' did come into my head. much later, I came home to be confronted by yet another striking sight. words do not suffice, so here is the picture.

When it came to this, the loose (pun intended) ends finally tied themselves together. Paranoia, roughly, is a term used to describe people whose internal scanning device is too highly activated. Just like when comparing a pristinely clean glass of water, and a glass of drain water, a highly paranoid person's values is like a pure glass of water. a single drop of ink will tarnish its whole pureness, but a drop of ink hardly affects the already murky drain water. I told this client that this significant person is, metaphorically, tailing him, stuck to him like a siamese twin for 24 hours a day. in this case, if you put an object too close to your eyes, you are unable to see it for its true self. just like pure water and ink, the more tightly defined (read: unreasonable) your expectations are, the 'cleaner' your life is, the more likely you are to be hurt.

So, I would like to finish by 'letting it all out', as living with a paranoid person does cause a build up of nervous energy. thank goodness for the internet! So Celia, here's a glimpse into a lesser known world :P

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